loony_moony

Yes, the Bloomster has finally turned 30. And you know what it means.

In the beginning, there was Legolas. He was blond and really quite mind bogglingly beautiful, and the Moonay saw him on FotR and went "oh my GOD who is THAT".

Then there was more Legolas, and the fangirl world started growing in a rate of something like 2,000 teenaged girls a day. By the time RotK came out, there were a couple millions of raving Bloomettes out there.

One must also mention the gay community, who adopted the dear closeted boy who looked so beautiful for a 20 something man, he was making even Viggo Mortensen do weird things. Like make people think Aragorn was about to marry Legolas in the end of RotK instead of Arwen. BWAHAHA.

Then came the first public appearances. Like this one, with Jason Isaacs, which many a Bloomette will remember fondly because of the famous Isaacs line about why Orlando, whose character gets wounded in the first 10 minutes of "Black Hawk Down", needed to go to boot camp with the rest of the cast: "well, he's such a pretty boy and it's all men there..."
One must love the Isaacs for that line, even without the rest of the reasons for his awesomeness. >:D

Because Dakota Fanning could always say afterwards that the first guy to fondle her breasts was Orlando Bloom. And yes, I do feel dirty just for writing that.

Then came the next big memorable project, otherwise known as the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies. In which he played the world's thinnest blacksmith who practiced swordfight of Bob Anderson level with god knows who every day for 3 hours. I feel the comparison to Erol Flynn would be a bit skewed here, don't you?

At which point, people started noticing that moviemakers really liked filming Orlando Bloom wielding big phallic symbols, like bows and swords, or just have something penis shaped in the frame with him, like a ship wheel (whatever it's called), or Johnny Depp.

The first PotC inspired a magazine which name I don't recall right now to make what is probably the hottest photoshoot of the Bloom to date, and that says something. I present to you, photoshoot "GAAAAAAH". Enjoy the file names, and don't forget the bib. ;)

Finished drooling? Oh, no, wait, you got a bit there running down your side....there.

Then came the collective disaster otherwise known as "Troy". While a fun movie in itself, Homer was probably having repeating apoplexies in his grave, as was every single person who saw the movie and actually read at least two pages of the Iliad. Or knew the story. Or whatever. Hey, naked men! In eyeliner! And short leather skirts!

Anyway, Bloom here played Paris. I Some people said he should've played Helen, but no one listened. My father, however, was the first to point out his gayness to which I bow humbly for my father is a wise man, and his friendly hugs with other men in their 50s have nothing to do with this.

So, remember the hot men I was talking about? Here they are. Orlando is Eric Bana's ~~butt boy~~ brother, Brad Pitt is the overly bleached Achilles, and Sean Bean yet again plays second-best to the manly man whose death he then laments in a very gay manner. I think that's his thing in movies ever since he played 006, really. If Brad Pitt is hotter than Viggo Mortensen or Pierce Brosnan is entirely a matter of opinion, but Sean Bean's good taste in leading men is unquestionable. >:D

Around that time, Orlando's famous affinity for dogs came about. In this picture for example, he's holding the smuggest looking stray dog he could possibly have found. Just look at that thing, it's smirking.

And then people realized that Orlando Bloom and Eric Bana are almost as hot as Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen, and wrote hot fics about it. Hey, have you seen Eric Bana eat a banana? There are expensive prostitutes out there who can't fellate like that. Plus, he's got a great butt.

Then came "Kingdom of Heaven", which really isn't that bad of a movie. And also for which the Bloom had to gain 20 pounds of muscle, because one can't possibly be a medieval blacksmith and crusader with the physique of an Elf. And the fangirls rejoiced.
Then came an endless period of photos of him sporting the world's ugliest beard, and the fangirls went to watch reruns "Lord of the Rings" and lament their misfortunes.

And then, finally, the beard went off! Our boy returned to looking like Legolas all over again! And the spontaneous orgasms returned!

Then came a period in which he made stupid movies like "Elizabethtown" and "Haven", which is why he looks so sad in Vanity Fair.

He contemplates better times, and better men. After all, Kirsten Dunst? Could drive every man gay.

He sits with his dog and thinks, "maybe I should give a call to Johnny. See when Pirates comes back".

And lo and behold! Johnny answers! And our boy reprises his role as the world's girliest blacksmith.

And really, when you have phallic objects in a picture with Orlando Bloom, who needs double entendres? It's all there in your face. Or rather, in his face.

Oh, Orlando, you looked so hot in "Dead Man's Chest". With those leather jackets and wild hair and bad goatee.

You were all hot again, with sweat and chocolate-y eyes. You complimented Keira Knightley's manliness so wonderfully.

Yes, you knew those shots would arrive. God, his BACK. I heard he had to lose all that wonderful muscle mass he had in "Kingdom", but obviously the back stayed the way it was.

My god, I could watch him getting spanked all day. All. Day. Nnnnnguhhh.

The amount of kinky thoughts I'm refusing to voice right now really is quite alarming. Suffice to say "OHMYGODSOHOTWITHTHEBLOODGUH", and remind myself to go to an s&m club at some point this semester.

Because one has to love him when he tries so hard to look goofy.

The new "Pirates" pic! WHEE! And I officially change his character's name from Will Turner to Latino Legolas. I mean, look how long his hair is!
And oh, the phallic symbols. One day, they will get to him. Happy birthday, Orlando! May you one day see the light and get yourself a nice guy.