Is that what girls like these days?
Dec. 7th, 2009 09:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
loony_moonySo today, I saw "New Moon".
1. There's no way around it, the movie's atrocious. Even without the books as the source, the movie stands by itself as a piece of shit, filmed by shits and (mostly) acted by shitty actors. For every good shot, for every nice CGI moment, for every breath Michael Sheen takes onscreen, there's about 100 other atrociously done shots/CGI/acting moments. The movie still looks cheap, badly put together and really fucking awkward and, omg, I have no idea how they managed it, but pretentious. Bum dude was totally right.
2. It seems Ticface has taken her ritalin though, since there weren't quite so many tics this time, which stopped diverting people from the fact she's an awful fucking actress. Also, bad and obvious make up to hide her epic case of bags under her eyes was bad and obvious, and how the fuck does a girl in her early twenties who hasn't, say, been working in a mine 19 hours a day gets such an epic case of bags too? If it's the pot, she's a walking talking PSA. Dear lord.
2.5 She did look better this movie though.
3. I wanted to like Squintface! I truly did! He is adorable, but like Ticface, suffers from a bad case of inability to act, and in fact blundered so many fucking lines in the movie, he didn't even seem like the one 3-dimensional character he was supposed to be. Poor bb. And after all the crazy Padalecki-style buffing up he did too!
4. That said, Robert "I am a FOOTFACE!" Pattinson yet again wins the Dullest Actor In Twilight Movies award, for the most monotone rendition of Romeo's last words in the history of bad Romeo renditions. He didn't sound like he was going to kill himself like the nice little suicidally depressed character he was aiming for, so much as "would you like fries with that?" And when girls were visibly fake-melting on the screen, I could hear William Shakespeare rolling in his grave.
5. By the way, if you were wondering: In this movie, Jacob is Bella, Bella is Edward and Edward is a cardboard stand of Robert Pattinson in bad lipstick. Seriously. SO MUCH LIPSTICK. Geez.
6. The so-called "break up scene" was the most torturously slow piece of pretentious, shitty fiming since the latest Lars Von Trier. Maybe he should direct Breaking Dawn.
7. OH, THE WIGS. OH, THE BAD WIGS.
8. And also LOL, the body make up. Not necessarily the Shirtless Brigade, but rather Robert Pattinson and his white-powdered, grey-lined fake-abs. No one who's seen this guy tumbling around, looking like he's just come out of a three-day binge would believe he's actually seen the inside of a gym in the last couple of years.
9. There is an awful lot of male shirtlessness in this movie, though. It's the one and only positive point about it that I can think of. It's a movie full of guys ripping their shirts off and showing off their bodies, and not a single girl even takes her coat off.
9.5. Of course, this point is ruined by the last scene in the movie, where Jacob literally hands Bella over back to Edward to "protect", like she's a nice, female-shaped object.
9.75. That said, my moment of pity and feminist rage is ruined by the fact it's Bella Swan I'm trying to be all feminist about, a girl who singlehandedly set feminism back a hundred years.
10. OH, MICHAEL SHEEN. You are a breath of fresh air in a room full of bad acting. You are the sole reminder in this movie that great actors can (and have in the past), in fact, plow through a horrible script and make it sound like a creepy, nasty vampire who likes nothing more than to inflict pain on every other creature, smiling all the way through. I. LOVED.
11. Yeah, yeah, okay. Dakota Fanning too. Yeah, in the 2.5 lines she had.
12. I did enjoy seeing that wonderfully long scene in which all the Volturi disciples beat the shit out of Edward Cullen. Oh yes, I did.
13. There were exactly two short scenes in this movie I actually thought were really cute. One was the long pan on all the students watching "Romeo and Juliet", from teary girl to teary Asian Dude to a really bored-looking Mike Newton. Second one was the post-zombie-movie rant Jessica (Anna Kendrick) had, which actually made laugh, like, a lot. Btw, if you were wondering, none of these scenes were actually in the book. Not that it should be a surprise.
14. Why did they dye Prettyhair Vampiresse's pretty hair? Blasphemy.
15. All in all, BAH. Two hours of my life I will NEVER GET BACK (much like the Sex and the City movie). Wait for the DVD and consequent Rifftrax. Like you weren't going to do it ANYWAY.
PS: Anyone has the new Thom Yorke song from the soundtrack, though? I'll love you lots. Damn him and the good songs he keeps giving this franchise. BWEE!
1. There's no way around it, the movie's atrocious. Even without the books as the source, the movie stands by itself as a piece of shit, filmed by shits and (mostly) acted by shitty actors. For every good shot, for every nice CGI moment, for every breath Michael Sheen takes onscreen, there's about 100 other atrociously done shots/CGI/acting moments. The movie still looks cheap, badly put together and really fucking awkward and, omg, I have no idea how they managed it, but pretentious. Bum dude was totally right.
2. It seems Ticface has taken her ritalin though, since there weren't quite so many tics this time, which stopped diverting people from the fact she's an awful fucking actress. Also, bad and obvious make up to hide her epic case of bags under her eyes was bad and obvious, and how the fuck does a girl in her early twenties who hasn't, say, been working in a mine 19 hours a day gets such an epic case of bags too? If it's the pot, she's a walking talking PSA. Dear lord.
2.5 She did look better this movie though.
3. I wanted to like Squintface! I truly did! He is adorable, but like Ticface, suffers from a bad case of inability to act, and in fact blundered so many fucking lines in the movie, he didn't even seem like the one 3-dimensional character he was supposed to be. Poor bb. And after all the crazy Padalecki-style buffing up he did too!
4. That said, Robert "I am a FOOTFACE!" Pattinson yet again wins the Dullest Actor In Twilight Movies award, for the most monotone rendition of Romeo's last words in the history of bad Romeo renditions. He didn't sound like he was going to kill himself like the nice little suicidally depressed character he was aiming for, so much as "would you like fries with that?" And when girls were visibly fake-melting on the screen, I could hear William Shakespeare rolling in his grave.
5. By the way, if you were wondering: In this movie, Jacob is Bella, Bella is Edward and Edward is a cardboard stand of Robert Pattinson in bad lipstick. Seriously. SO MUCH LIPSTICK. Geez.
6. The so-called "break up scene" was the most torturously slow piece of pretentious, shitty fiming since the latest Lars Von Trier. Maybe he should direct Breaking Dawn.
7. OH, THE WIGS. OH, THE BAD WIGS.
8. And also LOL, the body make up. Not necessarily the Shirtless Brigade, but rather Robert Pattinson and his white-powdered, grey-lined fake-abs. No one who's seen this guy tumbling around, looking like he's just come out of a three-day binge would believe he's actually seen the inside of a gym in the last couple of years.
9. There is an awful lot of male shirtlessness in this movie, though. It's the one and only positive point about it that I can think of. It's a movie full of guys ripping their shirts off and showing off their bodies, and not a single girl even takes her coat off.
9.5. Of course, this point is ruined by the last scene in the movie, where Jacob literally hands Bella over back to Edward to "protect", like she's a nice, female-shaped object.
9.75. That said, my moment of pity and feminist rage is ruined by the fact it's Bella Swan I'm trying to be all feminist about, a girl who singlehandedly set feminism back a hundred years.
10. OH, MICHAEL SHEEN. You are a breath of fresh air in a room full of bad acting. You are the sole reminder in this movie that great actors can (and have in the past), in fact, plow through a horrible script and make it sound like a creepy, nasty vampire who likes nothing more than to inflict pain on every other creature, smiling all the way through. I. LOVED.
11. Yeah, yeah, okay. Dakota Fanning too. Yeah, in the 2.5 lines she had.
12. I did enjoy seeing that wonderfully long scene in which all the Volturi disciples beat the shit out of Edward Cullen. Oh yes, I did.
13. There were exactly two short scenes in this movie I actually thought were really cute. One was the long pan on all the students watching "Romeo and Juliet", from teary girl to teary Asian Dude to a really bored-looking Mike Newton. Second one was the post-zombie-movie rant Jessica (Anna Kendrick) had, which actually made laugh, like, a lot. Btw, if you were wondering, none of these scenes were actually in the book. Not that it should be a surprise.
14. Why did they dye Prettyhair Vampiresse's pretty hair? Blasphemy.
15. All in all, BAH. Two hours of my life I will NEVER GET BACK (much like the Sex and the City movie). Wait for the DVD and consequent Rifftrax. Like you weren't going to do it ANYWAY.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 03:19 am (UTC)Like, I don't know. I saw a few clips and heard what it was about and had such intense secondhand embarrassment. The ridiculousness of it, just, omg.
BUT BUT a certain person who is awesome and will not be named gave me a link to the Twilight Rifftrax and hooooo BOY I am excited to watch that after finals/moving is over. "Line. LINE."
no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 04:10 am (UTC)I won't lie, the whole "line. LINE. LIIIINE" part made me laugh so hard I was literally SPASMING. :D
no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 03:35 am (UTC)P.S. Check your email in like 5 mins. Did you get that other thing I sent ya?
no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 04:11 am (UTC)I GOT IT I GOT IT THANK YOU SO MUCH BB! <3333333
no subject
Date: 2009-12-08 08:50 am (UTC)But I love your tag rpattz is a unique snowflake,