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loony_moonyHello everyone! Yes, I know I didn't review last episode. Truth be told, I'm pretty surprised I'm reviewing this episode, considering how much of a fucking shitfest this show has become. I was half-minded to write a letter to Alan Ball, detailing every single thing making this show SO VERY, VERY BAD right now, which he has to fucking fix, but I'm feeling too lazy to do so, so here's a regular review full of RAGE.
SO.
1. What Alan Ball just did to Hoyt Fortenberry is basically nothing short of CHARACTER MASSACRE. And don't think I'm not getting the "HARDY HAR HAR" (HOW DARE YOU DEFILE TOMOTHY'S NAME)Alan Ball the writers were having, trying to come up with the Hoyt/Jessica break up scenario. "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, so what if he becomes SO PATHETIC SHE ACTUALLY CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE AND KILLS HIM OMG LMAOOOOO", and then they were like "HA HA HA LET'S MAKE IT THE CAMPY FANTASY SCENE", but in reality they transformed Hoyt into A STUPID REDNECK RACIST MOTHERFUCKER to justify Jessica wanting to run into Jason's arms.
Let me repeat that, just for clarity's sake.
Alan Ball, after tiring of showing a young couple that shed a logical light over the FUCKERY that is Suckeh/Beel, decided that in order to break up the couple, he was making the dude who TURNED ON HIS RACIST MOTHER after being a mama's boy for god knows how long into A STUPID, RACIST FUCK JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER, in order to make his baby-vampire girlfriend run into the arms of THE DUDE WHO JOINED THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THEY WERE ACTUALLY RIGHT ACCORDING TO JESUS.
YEAH. THAT'S WHAT ALAN BALL JUST DID. You think about that.
2. Antonia de la gronio de la WHATEVER I CAN'T EVEN CARE ENOUGH ABOUT HER, WHAT IS THIS BORING MARYANN 2.0 SHIT. THIS is what you're doing with Fiona Shaw? THIS? She is so much better than that GRRRRRR.
2.5. Antonia took Eric to be her vampire sex slave at the end of that episode. OH YES SHE DID. That was almost awesome, until her ridiculous "TEE HEE" moment at the end of it.
2.75. But seriously, she's got some Inigo Montoya shit going on there, except Inigo Montoya is her FAR FAR COOLER COUSIN. He could fence with BOTH HANDS.
3. Lmao at Beel's "YES JASON YOU CAN STOP TALKING NOW" bitchy comment and bitchface. There are some people not even Keeng Beel can endure for longer than 5 seconds.
4. I liked that new werewolf alpha clan-leader-type longhaired dude. That is, until I realized he was Luna's deranged ex whose own daughter doesn't even like all that much.
4.25. Also, Sam Merlotte's unimpressed face at him was made of lolz.
4.5. Also also, I bet you anything he's gonna boink Debbie by the end of this season.
4.75. Gotta say, though, Debbie was making good points with Alcide before he ran off to do exactly what he promised NOT TO DO she knew he would ANYWAY. Yeah, a universe where Debbie Pelt is the most reasonable person IS NOT A GOOD UNIVERSE TO BE IN, TRUE BLOOD.
5. Technically speaking, when Sookie ripped off those HEAVY SILVER CHAINS off Eric's neck, how could he possibly even HAVE AN ESOPHAGUS AND VOCAL CHORDS LEFT to scream Old Swedish curses with?
5.5. OH DEAR GOD, HERE WE GO. I should've known Alan Ball would crap all over Book 4's Sookie/Eric. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN. Everybody was worried about it, but I was like no, give him the benefit of the doubt. YEAH HOW STUPID DO I FEEL NOW.
SO WE'RE BACK TO VEE FANTASY SCENES LIKE IT'S SEASON 1 ALL OVER AGAIN, HUH? In which Eric is all "WOW OMG LOOK AT MY VIKING WINTER WONDERLAND BED CHAMBER IN WHICH I SHALL MISSIONARY-BOINK YOU" and Sookie all like "shit dude this is like the trippiest shower I've ever had". To which I say I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR WITH EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE SHOWER SEX SCENE FROM THE BOOK SERIES, ALAN BALL. And it is NOT an improvement.
5.75. I mean JESUS IN A SHISH KEBAB that music was like Enya playing a Scandinavian fiddle (with added harp effect). AND SOOKIE FELL IN LOVE WITH CREEPY-CHANGELING!ERIC IN LESS THAN A WEEK. I MEAN, WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY.
6. And you know what, I bet you ANYTHING all that gratuitous ASkars butt nudity was to appease THE ANGRY ERIC FANGIRLS currently angrily blogging about the creepy manchild shit Alan Ball is STILL trying to pull off with him.
That WAS good butt nudity though.
7. Tommy Mickens trying to skinwalk as Maxine Fortenberry was not even that enjoyable because, well, the actress who does Maxine Fortenberry was actually pulling off the whole "but I'm actually TOMMY MICKENS HA HA HA" too well.
8. And what the FUCK are they doing with the whole "angry black woman ghost possessing Lafeyette and going on a killing spree" shit? Did True Blood NEED more racially fucked up stories to tell? And what the hell is UP with this story anyway? How is that woman related to the whole Rene haunting Arleen while pregnant? How did Lafayette go from psychic to witch to medium? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT.
9. So Keeng Beel got silvered, Sookie got shot (and then carried off by Alcide who was followed by Debbie Pelt OH BOY YOU'RE IN SO MUCH SHIT) and Eric is now a manslave to a powerful witch. And once again, Tara-sorry-TARA discovers she's a fucking idiot who should've stayed with her hot black-belt girlfriend in New Orleans.
Yep.
Hey, remember when Godric was around? Those were some good times.
SO.
1. What Alan Ball just did to Hoyt Fortenberry is basically nothing short of CHARACTER MASSACRE. And don't think I'm not getting the "HARDY HAR HAR" (HOW DARE YOU DEFILE TOMOTHY'S NAME)
Let me repeat that, just for clarity's sake.
Alan Ball, after tiring of showing a young couple that shed a logical light over the FUCKERY that is Suckeh/Beel, decided that in order to break up the couple, he was making the dude who TURNED ON HIS RACIST MOTHER after being a mama's boy for god knows how long into A STUPID, RACIST FUCK JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER, in order to make his baby-vampire girlfriend run into the arms of THE DUDE WHO JOINED THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THEY WERE ACTUALLY RIGHT ACCORDING TO JESUS.
YEAH. THAT'S WHAT ALAN BALL JUST DID. You think about that.
2. Antonia de la gronio de la WHATEVER I CAN'T EVEN CARE ENOUGH ABOUT HER, WHAT IS THIS BORING MARYANN 2.0 SHIT. THIS is what you're doing with Fiona Shaw? THIS? She is so much better than that GRRRRRR.
2.5. Antonia took Eric to be her vampire sex slave at the end of that episode. OH YES SHE DID. That was almost awesome, until her ridiculous "TEE HEE" moment at the end of it.
2.75. But seriously, she's got some Inigo Montoya shit going on there, except Inigo Montoya is her FAR FAR COOLER COUSIN. He could fence with BOTH HANDS.
3. Lmao at Beel's "YES JASON YOU CAN STOP TALKING NOW" bitchy comment and bitchface. There are some people not even Keeng Beel can endure for longer than 5 seconds.
4. I liked that new werewolf alpha clan-leader-type longhaired dude. That is, until I realized he was Luna's deranged ex whose own daughter doesn't even like all that much.
4.25. Also, Sam Merlotte's unimpressed face at him was made of lolz.
4.5. Also also, I bet you anything he's gonna boink Debbie by the end of this season.
4.75. Gotta say, though, Debbie was making good points with Alcide before he ran off to do exactly what he promised NOT TO DO she knew he would ANYWAY. Yeah, a universe where Debbie Pelt is the most reasonable person IS NOT A GOOD UNIVERSE TO BE IN, TRUE BLOOD.
5. Technically speaking, when Sookie ripped off those HEAVY SILVER CHAINS off Eric's neck, how could he possibly even HAVE AN ESOPHAGUS AND VOCAL CHORDS LEFT to scream Old Swedish curses with?
5.5. OH DEAR GOD, HERE WE GO. I should've known Alan Ball would crap all over Book 4's Sookie/Eric. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN. Everybody was worried about it, but I was like no, give him the benefit of the doubt. YEAH HOW STUPID DO I FEEL NOW.
SO WE'RE BACK TO VEE FANTASY SCENES LIKE IT'S SEASON 1 ALL OVER AGAIN, HUH? In which Eric is all "WOW OMG LOOK AT MY VIKING WINTER WONDERLAND BED CHAMBER IN WHICH I SHALL MISSIONARY-BOINK YOU" and Sookie all like "shit dude this is like the trippiest shower I've ever had". To which I say I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR WITH EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE SHOWER SEX SCENE FROM THE BOOK SERIES, ALAN BALL. And it is NOT an improvement.
5.75. I mean JESUS IN A SHISH KEBAB that music was like Enya playing a Scandinavian fiddle (with added harp effect). AND SOOKIE FELL IN LOVE WITH CREEPY-CHANGELING!ERIC IN LESS THAN A WEEK. I MEAN, WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY.
6. And you know what, I bet you ANYTHING all that gratuitous ASkars butt nudity was to appease THE ANGRY ERIC FANGIRLS currently angrily blogging about the creepy manchild shit Alan Ball is STILL trying to pull off with him.
That WAS good butt nudity though.
7. Tommy Mickens trying to skinwalk as Maxine Fortenberry was not even that enjoyable because, well, the actress who does Maxine Fortenberry was actually pulling off the whole "but I'm actually TOMMY MICKENS HA HA HA" too well.
8. And what the FUCK are they doing with the whole "angry black woman ghost possessing Lafeyette and going on a killing spree" shit? Did True Blood NEED more racially fucked up stories to tell? And what the hell is UP with this story anyway? How is that woman related to the whole Rene haunting Arleen while pregnant? How did Lafayette go from psychic to witch to medium? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT.
9. So Keeng Beel got silvered, Sookie got shot (and then carried off by Alcide who was followed by Debbie Pelt OH BOY YOU'RE IN SO MUCH SHIT) and Eric is now a manslave to a powerful witch. And once again, Tara-sorry-TARA discovers she's a fucking idiot who should've stayed with her hot black-belt girlfriend in New Orleans.
Yep.
Hey, remember when Godric was around? Those were some good times.
